I’ve felt as if I have been carrying some heavy weight on my shoulders the past few months. Each day that goes by just becomes more and more difficult.
I’ve come to the breaking point. I guess a lot of it was pressure I have been putting on myself and some of it was shit that other people were dumping on me. I have been keeping my mouth shut trying to deal with things as they come, not wanting to be selfish or offend anyone. Fuck that. I finally just let loose. There are things in life that I may not like or may not be able to change, I have to accept them but I don’t have to keep silent about it. Finally letting loose lifted all those weights. I feel better. CJ and I have a better understanding of one another, and I am sure it has brought us closer together.
Call it whatever you want, but I have every right to have opinions and feelings on situations that affect me, and the right to express them.
My job sucks, I would rather not be there, but the money is too good to just throw it away. There aren’t many jobs close that will pay someone with no education what I am making. There are weeks I put 60 hours in the office, and while I don’t like it, there are times when I don’t have a choice. I don’t have a job where I leave for the day and it ends. I am responsible for all of it, from 7am to 11pm, seven days a week, and at this point its just what I have to deal with.
I have three children to think about and care for. I am doing this on my own I ask no one for anything, not family and not friends. It’s not easy trying to make the right decisions for them all the time. Right now staying at my job is one of those things that I just have to do. I have to stay long enough to gain the experience I need to be able to move on to other things. I doubled my salary in six months time, and have the potential to double it again.
I want to make the best life possible for my kids, and I don’t need to be judged for that. I am not sacrificing them at all, I make time for them everyday and I value the time I have with them. Oh, but I keep forgetting that because I am not the “cookie baking soccer mom” I am not as good of a mother as others, my kids are not as important to me as theirs are to them and I don’t put my kids first like they do…whatever. Just because I’m not June Clever doesn’t make me a bad or selfish mother.
I am constantly on the go. I work, I drive up to get my kids, talk with the babysitter, drive back down, stop at the store if needed, go home (if I’m lucky I’m walking in the door by 7pm), cook dinner, do homework, or spend time chatting and playing with the kids, showers, baths, bed times, dishes, picking up toys and clothes, cleaning…(Damn there I go again being a bad mother). And if I don’t have the kids? There are some nights I don’t leave work until after 10pm. And if I do get out at a decent time I am trying to juggle maintaining the relationship with my boyfriend, laundry, errands, grocery shopping, dr appointments, time for myself - reading a book, getting my nails done, coloring my hair, or even just shaving my legs. Being a mother is hard enough, add a demanding job and it just becomes more difficult.
A comment was made that all I ever wanted was CJ. I got what I wanted and threw everything else away. Sad that anyone may think that. All I ever wanted was happines. I started my life over and I was lucky to find CJ when I wasn’t looking for anyone to share my life with. I never expected our relationship to grow to this. I never expected to fall in love like this. I never expected to find the one that I want to sped the rest of my life with. We have struggled and gone through a lot to get where we are, and it is a constant struggle to balance our lives and keep things from falling apart. Am I supposed to give that up?
What I have given up is the two hours in the evenings that I used to have before I got my kids. I used to spend that time for myself, vegging out, time with friends, or the rare dinner with CJ. I first gave up that time, my time, to work so I wouldn’t have to spend any of the time with my kids working. I then gave it up to drive to get the kids so their father could work days and have more time with them. It was what is best for them.
I’m exhausted and I just don’t have the time or patience for petty bullshit in my life. And no, I am not always happy and chipper. By the end of the day all I want is peace and quiet, when the end of the day doesn’t come until midnight, your nerves get a little shot and you just don’t want to deal with a whole lot.
I’ve been told that I have changed, I am putting CJ before everything else in my life…fucking hysterical since we get a whopping two weekends (four days in total) a month together and maybe a few hours a week if we can find it. It some times is only a few minutes we can steal when one of us stops to see the other at work and we shovel some food in our guts or share a smoke break. No, I’m not willing to give that up. And no, I am not wrong for that. We have enough stress in our relationship as it is and I am not willing to sacrifice what little time we have. Our relationship means too much to fuck up. I would never make my sister feel guilty for living across the country to be with her husband, nor would I make my friends feel guilty for checking with their husbands before going out, or not being able to do things and putting their husband first. But I guess that’s the difference, that word, husband. A little ring and a piece of paper, I don’t have those so to some it makes my relationship less valuable than theirs.
I was once told that when you find the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with, as long as he treats you well, and gives you everything that you need, and some of what you want you should always stick by him. Your family and friends may not agree with your decisions or the way you choose to live your life, but if they are true to you, they will accept it and support you. I once thought that was a bunch of bull, but I am begining to believe it.
I guess I have changed, I am growing up.
BTW - writing a blog from a blackberry takes a lot of time and patience.
Tags: Uncategorized // 1 Comment »